A girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that O would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know what I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
The boy’s response
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L!’ for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about". You did a stupid thing, huh ? No … doing long division and forgetting to carrie the one is "a stupid thing". Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing". Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn’t fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Praga Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feeling for 24 hours straight.
The good news for your is you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around by bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never
That’s the way to handle this type of girls