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Lessons from World History

  1. Don’t piss off your peasants. They’ll revolt and kill you.
  2. Don’t piss off the short people. They’re mean because people pick on them for being short and they’ll take over the world and kill you.
  3. Never invade Russia from the west. The snow will kill you. (The Russians will help)
  4. The Germans scream like a girl.
  5. The Romans crucified people because it was FUNNY!
  6. Charlemagne derived his power from the Hoover Dam.
  7. Jesus was crucified because he ate his entrée with his salad fork.
  8. Marry for the money.
  9. Crosses are funnier if they’re rotating.
  10. Ass is a perfectly acceptable name for a donkey.
  11. Geography matters.
  12. We don’t give a damn about Africa. (But we should)
  13. The French always lose. If the French win it is because they are fighting themselves, being led by someone who is not French, or the US is doing all of the fighting. It’s best to just ignore France.
  14. The voices in Joan of Arc’s head were not French.
  15. We have two popes…what should we do? The Catholic Solution: LET’S ELECT ANOTHER ONE!
  16. There are still two popes. We ignore the French one (see above).
  17. During the Middle Ages women were put on pedestals and worshipped as goddesses. That’s exactly where they should be.
  18. The Jews are the most persecuted people in history. Statistically, they’re bound to start winning sometime. (As long as they don’t piss of their peasants or the short people or invade Russia…or ally themselves with the French)
  19. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
  20. Joan of Arc was invited to a bar-b-que as the guest of honor.
  21. The Great Debate of the Middle Ages: Chunky or Creamy?
  22. Burning down cities will not bring your Messiah back.
  23. The Romans declared war on China. They didn’t know where China was or what it was but they thought it would be a good idea to declare war on it just in case. It’s always good to declare war on people you don’t know…as long as they don’t find out and kill you.
  24. When in doubt pay your enemies to go sack another civilization. Hope that civilization does not have an important looking Pope.
  25. Beware of the War Cows
  26. It sucks to be a Russian peasant
  27. Conquer the world…but don’t forget to govern your empire or it will fall apart
  28. You can piss off a king. The worst he can do is kill you. Don’t piss off the pope. He can send you to hell. Nobody likes hell.
  29. The Jews are smart. They don’t have a hell.
  30. Never use Disney as a historical reference because it is never historically accurate. The Little Mermaid committed suicide. Mulan was killed by her commanding officer. Hercules was NOT the offspring of Hera and Zeus. Pocahontas was 12 years old and bald.
  31. If you’re a victim, crucifixion is cruel. If you’re a Roman, crucifixion is cool.
  32. It’s better to be feared than loved but it’s better to be loved than to be killed by an angry mob.
  33. Don’t kill the grandson of a prophet.
  34. Never pick on a civilization that can burn water. We don’t know what Greek fire was, but we know that it was cool.
  35. Don’t mess with Genghis Khan unless you want to live your deepest fears.
  36. Marco Polo invented spaghetti.
  37. Every religion has radical sects. We call them yoo-hoos.
  38. The Jews, Christians, and Muslims all worship the same god.
  39. Leonardo da Vinci invented chemical weapons.
  40. We all came from Africa. Get over it.
  41. When dealing with religion, facts are of little importance. What matter are faith and beliefs and the fact that people are willing to fight and die for them. More people have died in the name of God than for any other cause in history.
  42. The Vikings killed Christians because they thought they were cannibals and they thought they might become the next dinner.
  43. Christopher Columbus did NOT discover America. Nor did he believe that the world was flat. The Moral of This Story: Elementary History Teachers Lied to You
  44. Armed with pitchforks, the Chinese could take over the world.
  45. Do not mess with a Japanese samurai. Even if you’re Chinese and have a pitchfork.
  46. Keep an eye on Poland in case it decides to walk across Europe again.
  47. Deterrence only works if all players are rational. It doesn’t work when you’re dealing with nutcases.
  48. North is not up. South is not down. If it helps, stand on your head.
  49. Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul not Constantinople. Before that, it was Byzantium.
  50. The Tatars did not invent tartar sauce. The Egyptians did invent chocolate cake and for that we are grateful.
  51. Strawberry pop-tarts will shoot 3 foot flames out of your toaster if you leave them in there for a really long time.
  52. Guys who talk to statues and appoint their horse Consul of Rome generally don’t make good Emperors.
  53. You can’t expect much from a guy named after a toilet.
  54. The Phoenicians built an entire empire on snail testicles.
  55. The Arabs did not invent terrorism. They did, however, invent algebra. This is a perfectly acceptable reason to go to war.
  56. The Hindus invented zero. If they hadn’t, most of our grades would be much higher.
  57. When uniting Germany, don’t try to rebuild Charlemagne’s Empire.
  58. An army of 12,000 terracotta soldiers will not protect you from a mob of angry Chinese peasants.
  59. If you’re going to declare that you’re god, make sure that you know how to make it rain during a draught.
  60. Switzerland is cool…they have chocolate, pocket knives, watches, banks, the most armed society in the world, and a military that is so effective, its banned from most wars by international law. Not even Hitler was stupid enough to mess with the Swiss.
  61. Mercenaries fight for whoever pays them the most money. You can’t trust them not to betray you.
  62. You cannot accurately translate Arabic into English. If you want to truly understand Islam you must first learn to speak Arabic. Do not study Arabic because it is “pretty.”
  63. When you’re engaged in a civil war you are more vulnerable to invasion.
  64. Trade is the best way to spread culture, disease, religion, language, and technology but conquest works in the unlikely event that you don’t have anything that anyone else wants.
  65. You don’t put sugar in green tea.
  66. The Europeans first sent merchants to trade with you, then missionaries to convert you, and finally armies to conquer you.
  67. St. Peter’s Basilica cost the Catholic Church Germany.
  68. Alexander the Great was gay.

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