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The Benefits of Growing Older

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You have great friends who think of you often and send you lists like this!

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