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Headlines from the year 2029

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Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
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White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
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Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
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Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
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Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
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Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
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Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
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France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
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Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
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George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
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Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
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85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
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Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
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Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
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Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
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Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
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New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
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Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
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IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

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